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I've never been a great writer, nor have I ever felt the need to publish my thoughts on such a public forum, however, this year has been one of many highs, some lows and several new experiences, some of which I feel I would like to share. As an avid reader of my sister's amazing blog, and a long time admirer of her ability to write so fluently and with so much passion, I thought I would try my hand at it. Wish me luck...
The start of this year saw a few changes for me, most importantly a new job as a year 4 teacher at a new school. Feeling immensely proud having been interviewed and offered the job in the same week, I was keen for a new beginning and a chance to show my passion and determination to further my career. This new job has served up many challenges and many opportunities for me to grow. Late last year, I had a bit of a crisis in my search for a new job and career opportunities as I was unsure about moving on into a new school and work environment compared to staying where I knew my colleagues, students and community. It's a funny time in your life- mid 20's, coasting along working, paying the mortgage, catching up with friends, spending time with loved ones etc. But one thing I came to realise during this transition, was to always push yourself, set goals and work towards being the best version of you. Now, in days gone by I would've thought that last bit was a load of crap, but the more time I spend with my sister, embracing her way of looking at the world, I feel myself becoming a little bit more mindful and in tune with the way I see the world.
One thing I wanted to touch on when I decided to write this blog was confidence and self belief. Many people who know me would probably describe me as a confident, outgoing person, which is true for the percentage of time I spend feeling truly confident and comfortable in my own skin. The thing about working with young children is, you are always going to hear the uncensored, complete truth, whether it be about the dress you chose to wear on any given day or the way you decide to do your hair on another. Not much gets past those little humans and their comments are always going to give you the most honest opinion whether you like it or not. People who know me well know I have battled a myriad of skin and allergy problems throughout my life. This year was one where I made a conscious goal, among others, to 'sort out' my skin and allergies through the construction of a vision board as suggested by my sister. Throughout my constant fight with pet allergies and eczema, especially whilst living in my childhood home with 2 dogs and 2 cats, I never really found a remedy to sooth either the rash or my body's reaction to these elements. As a child I was always told, "you'll grow out of it" or "don't have any pets when you're older". The growing out of it part never happened, if anything as I get older, it gets worse! A trip to the emergency room with my mum was probably the worst it ever got, but we still never could pin point the cause/s. Even moving into a brand new, uncontaminated house has not helped my flare ups- much to my disgust. The thing about battling this type of condition is you never feel quite cured, and you aren't. Some days, weeks or months the rash will subside-through the use of many expensive steroid creams and tablets which by the way are very unhealthy for you! Some days I feel oozing with confidence, skirt and singlet wearing confidence which, for me lately, has not been the case. This year has been testing so far as my skin has not cooperated at all since I started at my new school which, in turn, has done my confidence wonders....NOT! It got to a point about 6 weeks ago where I had had enough, so I sought advice from my dad who had been raving about herbal treatments for my skin for years-I never wanted a bar of it being the know it all daughter I am. Last year he found the photographer at my cousins Bali wedding and insisted I spoke with her about her battles with the same skin condition. Bless his cotton socks but at the time I was not in the mood to chat about my skin conditions with a stranger, let alone in my drunken state at a wedding. What she did tell me in our short conversation was, it all comes down to gut health- if you have a healthy gut, cutting out dairy and gluten etc, your skin will improve, (in a nutshell.) Stubborn as always, I've never heeded any of this advice in my 26 years. Keep visiting the doctor, keep getting scripts for steroids, all good in the hood. So it go to a point earlier this year where I had enough! I cut out dairy and gluten from my diet straight away in a last ditch effort to see some sort of result. A holiday lunch with dad saw us visit the chemist he had been raving about. I was quickly told about the adverse effects of steroids and their continued use over a long period of time. I was put on new creams, moisturizer and tablets, which cost me an arm and a leg but I was so desperate to see some results I didn't care. Fair warning was given about how my body would react to coming off such an obscene amount of steroids-the immediate results were worse than I could have expected. At one point it got so bad, I could barely move which meant I couldn't train or play netball for the beginning of the winter season and I was forced to take time off work to try and get myself right.
Some of you may be wondering why I am telling this story, but I wanted to shed some light on my struggles as a somewhat 'confident' 'outgoing' person and how all of that confidence can be shot down in one foul swoop when you feel like you are unattractive and vulnerable. The job I do leaves you very open to the obvious questions from young kids; "what's wrong with your face?" "why are your legs so red and sore?" Bless them they are only curious but this type of vulnerability is what had me unstuck and feeling extremely self conscious in every aspect of my life. I found myself shying away from any social interactions, driving straight home from work to be alone away from prying eyes and steering clear of the sport I love because I couldn't move and there was no way in hell I was going to wear a skirt in front of other people. I guess what I am trying to convey here is the power of self love, care and confidence. It's taken a good 6 to 8 weeks for me to feel like myself again. Teaching is where I can be my bubbly, outgoing self in front of a class of kids who enjoy my personality and teaching style, (I hope!) When you don't feel like yourself, you begin to second guess your actions and your interactions with others. On my low days I would find myself thinking, 'is my makeup covering my red face?' and 'will anyone notice I am wearing a jacket on a 27 degree day?' On those days I would just pray no one would ask me anything to make me feel exposed or out of place. The thing I hate the most is the pity. It might sound like I'm being a bitch but I cannot stand being pitied by others- 'oh your face is so dry and red you must be so sore how do you cope?' Please just don't. I know what I look like, I don't need to see it on your face too.
The last week or so has seen my skin finally begin to clear up! The steroids are leaving my system and the natural treatment is beginning to work, not to mention the weight I've lost being on a gluten and dairy free diet! I can still eat hot chips thank the lord! As a long term solution, along with my new diet, I hope this is a step in the right direction for me to manage this awful condition. To be able to wear a dress or skirt without a second thought is a massive goal of mine. With the goal setting I have implemented into my life this year, I feel like there is nothing I can't accomplish. It's a powerful thing, self confidence and mindfulness. I'm glad I have discovered how empowering it can be. Through the setting of goals, I feel like this year is going to be my best yet, with my career and my general perspective towards my life. I feel optimistic of what I can achieve and I hope to keep my positive mindset in order to achieve what I set out to. What I hope most is that I can over come my insecurities about my condition. After all, I am stuck with it for life, the key is how I manage it. It's funny how such a seemingly small thing can have such a bearing on your mood and how you live day to day. Well, that's my first go at a blog. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings.
Until next time.
Holly